Redeemed Conflict: How Grace Changes the Way We Fight

Conflict, done well, serves as a binding agent in our relationships. That’s right, I said it. Conflict, you know that thing we instinctively avoid, the elephant in the room we’d prefer to ignore, can serve a good and helpful purpose. Like eggs in a meatball recipe or mortar between bricks, conflict done well can be used to make our relationships stronger.
 
But notice the qualification — conflict done well. Conflict in and of itself is the clash of individuals that threatens relationships. That is why we seek to avoid and ignore it. Unresolved conflict can be toxic, and conflict handled poorly can tear relationships apart. But when we learn to “conflict” well, it can actually serve and strengthen us.
 
Think about it. We are generally more polite to strangers than we are to those who are close to us because we don’t know what level of conflict a shallow relationship can bear. But relationships that have seen conflict through to a resolution are always stronger for it.  In fact, the deepest relationships, the ones we live most transparently within, are those relationships that didn’t collapse under the weight of conflict.  
 
Which raises the question, how do we do conflict well, so that on the other side of it, our relationships are stronger not over?
 
Accept the Reality: Conflict is Inevitable
We can’t avoid it; conflict is inevitable because we will inevitably sin against others, and others will sin against us. All the way back in Genesis 3, when sin entered the world, the first visible consequence of sin was division between the man and woman. Adam and Eve lived in perfect shameless unity before sin, but after sin it wasn’t only their relationship to God that changed.  

Jesus, Himself, tells His followers that His coming would actually create conflict (Matt 10:34-36), and before He returns the world would be filled with war and rumors of war (Matt 24:6). Conflict then, isn’t the exception, it is part of the reality we must endure in life in a sinful world.
 
In his letters to churches, Paul also showed that conflict was to be expected even among Christians. For example, he calls us to bear with one another in love, because it is difficult to love one another, especially when we don’t always see eye to eye. In Ephesians 4:32, the certainty of conflict becomes clear when Paul writes, “forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave you.” The very existence of this verse is an indicator that forgiveness is more than an ideal; it is a necessity even between Christians. Why is it necessary? Because conflict is part of the world we live in.
 
Accept that you will face conflict with others. Don’t avoid it, but don’t go looking for it either. But prepare for it before it happens. When feelings are hurt and tensions are high, you’ll start at a deficit if you haven’t already prepared your heart to face it.
 
Draw on God’s Grace to You in Conflict with Others
For Christians, doing conflict well is more than better communication or greater emotional maturity. These can and will help, but we have something greater and more powerful. We have the Gospel.  

Because we have been forgiven in Christ, we are empowered to forgive others. Because we have experienced the kindness of God that leads us to repentance, we are freed to repent toward one another. In other words, the pattern of our relationships with one another is shaped by God’s relationship with us.
 
Think again about Paul’s call for Christians to forgive one another like God has forgiven us in Christ (Eph 4:32). When you see it in context, you can see that Paul is doing more than giving an example and an instruction. He is also pointing us back to the source of power that makes forgiveness possible.  

Ephesians is divided into two halves. The first three chapters describe all that God has done for us. The final three chapters instruct us how to rightly apply the grace and power God gave us in this new life together. What God commands, He gives the power to obey, including a command to forgive.
 
When forgiveness becomes our default response to offense, it frees others to live repentantly toward us.

When we live repentantly toward others, it frees us to receive their forgiveness. 

When we draw on Gospel power to forgive freely and repent fully in our day-to-day rhythms together, we will be ready to face conflict together when it comes.
 
When Conflict Becomes Constructive
Instead of defensiveness, the Gospel cultivates humility that gives way to living repentantly. Instead of retaliation the Gospel produces tender hearts that desire forgiveness more than vengeance. When the Gospel is central, conflict no longer demands someone wins and someone loses. Instead, conflict becomes an opportunity to move toward one another in forgiveness and repentance in pursuit of reconciliation. When this is how we “conflict,” we find something unexpected being built between us — trust.
 
Relationships remain fragile because they depend on the illusion that neither person will fail in any serious way. But that illusion cannot survive real life. Eventually selfishness surfaces, sins get committed, harsh words are spoken, and misunderstandings arise. If those moments lead only to blame and bitterness, relationships fracture. If all we have are superficial tools, we’ll never solve the deep hurt conflicts cause.
 
But when those same moments are met with repentance and forgiveness, something very different takes place. Each person discovers that they can be honest about their failures and still be received with grace. In time the relationship grows strong enough to withstand the truth about who we are.
 
Conflict Done Well
Conflict done well is just another way of saying conflict that is followed closely by forgiveness and repentance.  

If we settle for communicating effectively, being more mature, or relying on other superficial conflict-resolution techniques, we will miss out on the power of the gospel. But when we prioritize repentance and forgiveness together, our words and actions will follow.
 
Repentance and forgiveness undergird every word spoken. Instead of anger, we speak humbly, truthfully, and in love. Together, they seek peace. Rather than winning an argument, they treat reconciliation as the real victory. And together, they draw our attention away from ourselves to our gracious God, and through Him, back toward one another.
 
When conflict is done well, rather than fear conflict, avoid conflict, or ignore conflict, we can look forward to how God’s grace will strengthen and grow us as it flows through us to bless the other side. And rather than focus on the conflict, we can look forward with hope to what God will use the conflict to produce in and through us.  

When conflict is done well, rather than tear us apart, God’s grace can redeem it and use it to bind us together.