Why You May Be Feeling Disconnected at Church

We’ve all been through them before, those valley-like seasons when you feel alone and disconnected from your church. Maybe you’re wondering if anyone actually cares or why you even go to church. What’s the point? Or maybe you’re doing "all the things” at church, but it’s feeling empty and maybe even burdensome. Do you find yourself thinking that everyone else has their “person/people” at church, but you just don’t click with anyone? If you find yourself in a place similar to this, this article is for you. (Or if you know someone going through a season like this, I pray that this would be helpful in counseling your friend.) I don’t claim to have all of the answers and I can’t tell you how to fix the problem in this moment, but I’ve had my own experiences and I’ve have had my fair share of conversations with others feeling this way and I hope that sharing some of my insights and observations will serve you well.  

This article is meant to lead you in a time of self-reflection; ask these questions of yourself and take an honest look in the mirror. I’m praying that the Lord would use these next few minutes to produce good fruit in your life and draw you closer to Him.

There is Therefore Now No Condemnation
First and foremost, I want you to know that you aren’t alone. You aren’t the only person to ever go through a season like this. It is a normal part of our broken human nature. If there is guilt or shame for the way you are feeling, cast it down at the foot of the cross! There is no condemnation in Christ! (Romans 8:1)

The Root of the Issue
Feeling disconnected/alone is not the fruit of the Spirit. (Galatians 2:20) And while feeling this way is not sinful in and of itself, there are likely sin issues buried within you that are producing this fruit. All bad fruit is rooted in sin (Matthew 7:17-20). And while that may be hard to hear, it’s the necessary place to start if you are going to get better. So, take an honest assessment of your heart as we move forward; repent to the Lord where necessary, and rejoice that you are already, as you are in this moment, fully loved and accepted by God. Rejoice that he loves you enough to expose your sin and draw you closer to Him in righteousness. Praise Him and ask Him to change your heart to align with His.  

Where Do We Begin?
So often what we see when someone begins to feel disconnected and alone in church is that instead of reaching out or leaning in and making their need known, they retreat and self-isolate which only escalates the issue. Ask yourself: “Is this what I am doing?” Are you expecting others to “just notice” that something is off or to read between the lines? There are times when we as a church don’t do a great job of meeting a member’s needs or don’t love them as well as we could, and we can own that as a church and strive to do better. But if you haven’t verbalized your unmet expectations/needs to members of the church, can you really expect the church to meet you in them?

At this point you might be thinking, “I shouldn’t have to verbalize my expectations/needs. The church should be seeking out needs and meeting them.” You’re not wrong. The Bible calls the church to put other’s needs above their own needs (Philippians 2:3-4), to love your neighbor as yourself (Mark 12:31), and to go the extra mile (Matthew 5:41). But these are responses of the church produced by the grace given to us in Christ, not a prescribed law that we can demand from each other. The Lord expects His love and grace to overflow through the lives of His People, but it is not an expectation we can hold against one another whenever our interpretations of what that looks like aren’t met.  

You, as a member of the Church, are called to the same things the Church is called to: to consider other’s needs above your own, to love your neighbor, and to go the extra mile. When we shift our focus from our neighbors to ourselves and begin to consider our own interests above those of others’, that’s when the discontentment and resentment creeps in. That’s when we start comparing and thinking that we aren’t receiving what we deserve from each other or that God has somehow failed to provide the connections and relationships that we need in our lives.  

An Example from the Scriptures
One way we see this play out in the Scriptures is in the Greatest Commandment and its counterpart. The first and Greatest commandment is to love the Lord with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. (Mark 12:30). Not just you; everybody. Every individual person is called to focus all their mind, affections and efforts on God. He has given us every spiritual blessing (Ephesians 1:3). He has not given us what we deserve, but rather he has lavished abundant grace upon us! (Romans 6:23, Ephesians 1:7-10) In Him is our joy. (Psalm 16:11) In Him is grace sufficient for all of our needs. (2 Corinthians 12:9) Worshipping and adoring the Lord is the first and greatest commandment because it is the foundation for every other command. We can’t obey the others without obeying this one.  

Obeying the first commandment allows us to obey the second: Love your neighbor as yourself. (Mark 12:31) So as we focus on God and his glory and all of the abundance he has bestowed upon us and praise Him for it, he expects and asks that we look to each other for an outlet. He knows the grace and abundance He bestows on us won’t be contained in ourselves; it will need an outlet, some place to overflow. And He has prescribed that one another is that place we are to look to. As we receive our abundance from Him, we funnel it to those around us. And the most beautiful part about this elaborate math equation is that, even though no one person is to be considering their own interests above others’, because others are, every need gets met. We don’t have to look out for ourselves because our Father Himself looks out for our best interests, and He calls His people to look out for our best interests too!  The Church is not meant to be a place where we come and consume alone. We are called to come and feed others and be fed in doing so.

Then Why Do I Still Feel Like Something is Lacking?
This doesn’t mean that every desire will be met; some may be met, but that’s not the promise. The promise is that every need will be met. (Philippians 4:19) The Lord knows what you need and He has promised to meet your needs. If you are unhappy with the provisions you are receiving or the timing that you are receiving them in, the members of your church aren’t where the root of your issue lies; they are merely caught in the crossfire. Your issue is with the Provider.  

One Last Thing
I think it’s helpful to level-set our expectations here before moving on. Relationships don’t always just “click” and “feel right”. In fact, more often than not, they don’t. Relationships take work. They take vulnerability. They take experimentation and grace and patience and time to grow. To expect to just show up and “hit it off” with someone is a bit unrealistic. Certainly, that can and does happen, but far more often relationships like this are cultivated over time with shared experiences and vulnerability. With relationships, a good rule of thumb is “you get out what you put in”. So check your heart and expectations here, and consider what you are willing to put in.

Conclusion
We’ve spent a bit of time now working through what might be going on in your heart causing you to feel the way you do towards your church. Don’t move past these questions and observations quickly; this is where the real change happens. However, once you have uncovered and repented of the sins the Lord has exposed to you in your heart, there are some more practical steps you can take to fix it. Those will come in our next post. So do the work of self-reflection here and then come see our next post for six practical steps you can take to connect/re-connect with your church.